It seems like I try so hard to "succeed" in life. Whatever that is. I feel like I go through phases of motivation. At certain points I am more motivated than almost anyone can stand and then at other points I wish all I could do was lay at home and sleep my life away.
I am amazed at my need for change. It seems most people hover in the same spot of their lives because of the fear of change. I on the other hand seem to need it on a routine basis. I wish i could understand why. There also alot of people who are sort of on cruise control, I envy them. Who knows maybe I am just full of shit...
Sometimes I think I am sub-consciously running from something, my past maybe? I have noticed a pattern in my life, or a flaw if you will. I notice that I never truly open up to anyone for the most part. Even in relationships, I may reveal the things that I am comfortable with but then leave a handful of things inside. Maybe I should blame myself for all of the failed attempts instead of blaming the other person.
I hate that it is so hard to make people understand how I feel inside. Its as if there is nothing in this world to use as an example.
Imagine a gigantic hole, that is nearly too deep for eye to see the end of. Near the top the of the hole the earth is a golden brown from the sun hitting it, as you follow it down to the mid section it starts to redden and becomes orange. Eventually it turns a deep maroon red color. Finally its completely black. Shooting up from the center of the hole are large rusted metal spikes, though the tips are shiny and lubricated with blood. In between the spikes and the sun hovers my body, sometimes I touch the spikes and then jump upward to escape them..only to eventually get pricked again, and again, and again...its a constant battle to reach to top, to reach the light. Why though...what is in the light that I want/need so much?
I've been here before a few times......
Here I am, I'm trying...with all of my might.
I think I'm ready.